Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
