and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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