Betty ford says i'm here all night
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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