If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
