Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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