Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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