I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
