Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
