I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Did I show you my penis last night?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
