Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
