Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Holy sore nipples Batman
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
