the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
