3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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