Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
