what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
