Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
