Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
