Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
