Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
