ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am one with the molecules
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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