two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How does it feel to date your dad?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
