i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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