Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
