This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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