ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
