How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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