Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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