if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
420 ftw
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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