woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
