do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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