My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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