im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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