I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
