ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
