i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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