what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
