u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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