god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
