Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
