Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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