He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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