He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
