if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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