3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
