Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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