why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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