i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
