i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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