I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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