I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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