She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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