my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i love accidental penises.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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