Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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