just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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