So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All I want is dick and wine.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
