Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
